Day 15 Part 2: Indescribable

Today, on one of my blog posts, I received a comment from someone who I really look up to that made me feel really good. I just needed to start with that. Today was a pretty hard day... I tried to be really active for the first time since Wednesday and it backfired on me big time. However, at the end of my little endeavor, I managed to capture a BEAUTIFUL creation of the evening. Have I ever mentioned Oklahoma has some pretty amazing sunsets?

Isn't it just beautiful? Well, this is one of my favorite parts of this state, anyway. With this particular picture, I did a bit of playing around with the alterations and I loved this one setting I found:

Today was one of those days I look back on and am really glad it happened and also wishing a little it had never happened. Wishing a little that I had just stayed in bed this morning, taken it easy, not gone anywhere or seen anyone. So mixed up. I know that my blog this morning makes that statement confusing but I don't really know sometimes how to handle the way I am treated by people in my life.

People leave for a long period of time without considering my feelings and when they come back they expect me to go right back to the way things were before they left without considering how that might make me feel. Usually, I can just let it go but I have been letting it go too long now I think and I am done. So keep that in mind.

I will not allow myself to be used.

Day 15 part one: Sometimes Beauty Is Just Beauty

So today I decided to blog more than once. I am not going to post more than one picture, I just needed to get something out of my heart and onto "paper." I am so incredibly blessed.

I have amazing friends that make me feel beautiful and comfortable and accepted and important. They don't judge me, they share with me their wisdom and advice, they comfort me when I need, they just listen when that is what I need.

These are the kind of friendships that will last forever and the thought of that makes me full of joy. Not happiness. JOY.

Let me share with you the difference between the two. Joy is a state of being whereas happiness is a feeling, an emotion that is fleeting and not permanent. I don't know how to explain to you how my friends bless my life because it is in all the little ways.

A text saying hey I miss you, or let's get coffee please. Something as small as a smile and wave that lets you know that they are happy to see your car driving by them while they are walking back to their dorm after a long day of classes or work. A phone call from your car to someone else telling them that they can see you sitting in the window of a dorm room and wanted to call and just say hey. It is these moments that I bask in.

Even though there is a lot of growing up happening for all of us very soon, I will hold on to these moments to remember that these friendships are forever no matter how much time marriage, work, and life takes away from the future upkeep of our friendships. But no worries, when I am a rich doctor living in a mansion in sunny California, I will be flying all of my friends to my beach house (oh did I forget to mention that I have more than one house?) and we will spend every weekend basking in the sun, eating great food, enjoying great company, and drinking great coffee.

Day 14: Living and Losing

The topic of today's blog is generally something I try to avoid like the plague but I feel like after tonight, I can no longer ignore it and act like it will go away. Simply because of this: it will not go away.

A lot of my friends are graduating at the end of this school year. That is really sad. They are going to get married, grow up, move away. It is really hard to keep in contact with people who are far away living their lives their way and starting to truly be grown ups. This is not the first time I have experienced this particular loss. Last year, it happened much more than I thought I could ever handle.

First semester, my very good friend Rebecka got married and moved to the godforsaken state of South Dakota where she currently resides with her husband, freezing to death in the negative temperatures. Then, the following semester, my 2 very good friends, Casey and Kadilyn, got married within a week of each other and also moved away and started their lives with their new husbands.

It is not that I am not happy for them, because really I am. But it is so hard to see the people you love the most, leave. Then, it's not just hard for them to not be around you every day, but now they are working 9-5, living their lives as grown ups and the sacrifice of your friendship is easily made with all the new things to do and see and experience. This semester, I am losing most of my friends.

I can't be too angry that they are all leaving and growing up, because at the end of next year when I graduate, I will be doing the same thing. I will be getting the heck out of Oklahoma and hopefully for good. I can't stand the idea of living here longer than I need to. Anyway, tonight all of my friends and I (minus a few) got together at the Lindquist house (they are out of town) and had a really wonderful dinner and dessert, sat around and talked and laughed and joked, watched a movie, and really just got to enjoy the company of the people around them. I loved every second. It is these kinds of moments I will miss the most next year but I know that everything will be okay.

It's just hard.

Day 13: All You Need Is...

Love. It's a word thrown around all too loosely these days. This blog has some inspiration behind it but I am taking it a little bit of a different way. I don't want to get married necessarily. You may be thinking, a GIRL who isn't constantly thinking of falling in love, getting married, and having a family one day? Yes, that is what I am. I don't want to put anything in stone, but if I didn't ever get married, it wouldn't make me sad or make me feel as though I had missed out on some important experience.

I am also not saying that I don't believe in the beauty and sanctity of marriage. I think it is a beautiful, incredibly intimate step of life. The thing is, it also comes with a lot of responsibility, counsel, decision making, growing up... It's not that I don't want to be a responsible, grown up, wise adult who makes important decisions, because I do. I would just rather be that person alone. Here's why. The minute you say I do, your life changes forever. How about if I like my life the way it is?

In a marriage, if you want something, you have to ask someone. If you want to go somewhere, you have to ask someone. If you want to do something, you have to ask someone. I have spent my whole life asking permission to go places, do things, buy things I want. I am tired of living that way. If I want to buy an iPhone, I am going to. If I want to go to a movie, I am going to. If I want to hang out with friends, guess where I am going to be? Hanging out with friends. I like the freedom to do what I want, where I want, how I want and not constantly having to ask permission.

I don't mean to harp on the same thing over and over but it is imperative to my point. Most of you know that I am in school to become a doctor. Some of you may know that I have a huge passion for going and practicing medicine overseas. I am not the kind of person who enjoys being in the same place too long. I want to experience life everywhere with lots of new people. I want to eat lots of new food and learn a new language. I want to become part of a village and learn the customs and ways of the people. I don't want to be confined to a 9-5 job in the same place for the rest of my life!

This is also important to my point. In a marriage, if I wanted to pack up my stuff and move to Sudan, I would have to say something to the effect of, "Honey, I really feel like I am being called to Sudan right now and I really think we should move there so I can work there." Probably, 99% of men would look back at me and say something like, "Um, are you feeling okay? You're crazy! We can't just pack up our stuff and move to a dangerous place where we know no one and don't know the customs or the language!" I don't want that. I want to be like Nike and JUST DO IT! If I want to donate half a million dollars to an organization focused on preventing and stopping human trafficking or the spread of AIDS or towards cleaning water for people in 3rd world countries, then I want to do it. I don't want to have to have the above conversation every time I want to make a big decision.

All of you know that I am a Christian and I want to follow what God wants for my life. I know I am being called to other places. I want to just say, "Alright God, what are we doing today? Where are we going? Who are meeting? How can I glorify You?" He'll answer and I will be on my way, simple as that. It might sound ridiculous to you if you don't believe or if you think that that's not how it works, but it's never failed me yet and I refuse to believe it will.

So back to this concept of love. It is a word that my generation uses so loosely. The first time a boy ever told me he loved me was in 7th grade. 7th GRADE! I didn't even know what loving someone in a romantic relationship MEANT in 7th grade. So I responded with thanks. It was awful. It is only getting worse. As adults, we should be teaching kids to be more careful with their words and in their actions. Phrases like, "I love you," and, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you," or, "there is no one else for me but you," are used so nonchalantly. Go on any middle school campus and poll all the students to see how many of them would consider themselves in love or having been in love at some point in their very short existences and I can guarantee that over 50% of them with say yes they have or yes they are. The line between love and infatuation is quickly disappearing and to quote my favorite show, "OVER THE LINE?! You're so far PAST the line, you can't even SEE the line anymore! The line is a DOT to you!"

To end my rant, I sometimes wonder if the fact I don't want to get married and have a family and settle down like a normal girl makes me weird or makes me smart. And like I said, I am not completely shut off to the idea but I have yet to meet a guy that even comes close to the standards I am holding the man I marry to, regardless of if that man would ever know of these standards. If I ever say the statement on this sweatshirt to anyone, I want to know that it is true. I want to know that I am actually going to be with that person, loving them until I stop breathing. But it's impossible to know. So why take the risk?

"Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds." ~William Shakespeare

Day 12: The Day I Challenged the Sun

Once, I was driving to Texas for Thanksgiving, and as I was nearing the border of Oklahoma and Texas, I looked up to see this:

I was fairly certain that it was the most beautiful skyline I had ever seen in my life. My good friend, Lonna, and I made a habit out of going to the highest point on campus once every week or so for a while, just to watch the sunset behind the school because it was so natural and beautiful. So of course, I pulled over and took a picture of it so I could remember it forever and I felt a sudden overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. I felt small.

Fast forward to Wednesday, January 26,2010. I was sitting in chapel, as I do every Wednesday at 10 am, and as chapel began, so did a video of a man named Louie Giglio, speaking about something that I find incredibly interesting, science. He wasn't talking about the kind of science I am learning, but about astronomy which is still incredibly interesting to my nerdy side. He spoke about how, if the Earth were a golf ball, there are stars so big that you could put 2.7 quadrillion golf ball sized Earths into it. There are stars so big that if you fill them with golf balls, you could cover the entire state of Texas 20 inches deep with the amount of golf balls that would fit inside this star. There are STARS bigger than the PLANET EARTH. How insignificant do you feel right now?

I will be the first to say that that is an intimidating thing to learn. So twinkle, twinkle little star no longer applies. Twinkle, twinkle star so big that the planet I inhabit can fit in it 2.7 quadrillion times, which in seconds is 30,800,000 years ago, in case you were wondering just how big a number 2.7 quadrillion is. I know most of you reading this were in chapel Wednesday or were in chapel last year when they played the same video, but every time I see it, hear it, think about it, I am blown away by the intricacy of this universe.

Have you ever seen the milky way? We are pretty much in the middle of it so if you go out on a clear night (most likely not in the city since there is so much light pollution) and you look up, you can see the milky way. It is one of the most comforting, comfortable experiences I have ever had. I know that seems like a strange word choice but when I think about the universe that was created for me, it reminds me of how insignificant our WORLD is. It humbles me, that's for sure. So all of this to say, the sky was really pretty that night.

"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Day 11: A Hippo and Some Happy

Man, sometimes I wish I could call these posts something besides Day ( ). I may start including a :( ) and see how that goes, but then I would need to go back and name them all I guess. Today has been a pretty interesting day. Lots of snack wars, some unexpected turn of events in my life. Overall, today was a good day that ended with a great conversation.
If I had to rate today on a scale of one to ten, it would be a ten thousand. I just don't know what else to say for that.

Don't underestimation what can happen in your like. Knowing what you want is never a fact, it's a hope or dream, to be fulfilled. Make everyday count for something, even if something small.

Day 10: LOVE

I have to admit that this beautiful picture is not my handiwork. I was sick today and didn't really think of anything that I would want to take a picture of to remember this day so I decided, instead, to write this blog about two friends whom I cherish very much.

On the left is Emily. On the right, Ashley. They are very dear to my heart because we have gone through some pretty tough times together. This is not to say that if we hadn't, we wouldn't be this close, because we have had some pretty great experiences together as well. But I do have to say that those times where you need someone to lean on, to cry on, to yell with, or to throw a fit, they have been there and I know they will continue to be there. It's just that they are the kind of friends I know I will have forever. They don't know I am writing this blog about them and I am fairly certain that if they find out, I will be in trouble for posting that picture but it will be worth it.

Emily is one of those people that is so goofy that sometimes you think, Wow, do people judge me for hanging out with her? Haha, just kidding! She is pretty goofy but then again, who isn't? She knits things that are magical, she sings at the top of her lungs and dances with reckless abandon. She is beautiful, the kind of person you meet and think, I want to be friends with her so badly. She has a contagious laughter and a special way of using art to heal your soul. Peach.

Ashley is completely different from Emily in the way that she is more reserved but she has a wild side, don't even doubt that! She is hilarious and has the kind of sense of humor that you have to be listening closely to catch because it is so sly that you might miss it if you aren't paying attention. She encourages us to play games like inserting titles of movies into regular everyday conversations. When she's online you've got mail. Last year she visited Washington and she was sleepless in Seattle. She is a master of disguise but she has mona lisa smile. She lives under the tuscan sun and she knows what a girl wants. I'm done being ridiculous now. Annie Sullivan.

Both of these beautiful girls encourage me in my daily life just by being my friend. They have been there for me in some of the most difficult times of my life these last couple years and there is no way I could ever thank them. Circle Mountain. I love them and I would do anything for them and I hope they know that.

All you hear is...

mmm mmm m m m m m
Gonna button my lip
So the truth don't slip
mmm mmm m m m m m
Gotta beep out
What I really wanna shout
Woops Did I say it out loud
Did you find out

And if either of you ever read this (it means they both have read it) I love you very much and I am so blessed by having met you. I know we will be friends forever, old ladies, knitting, crocheting, and quoting movies till we die. Then, we'll pick up where we left off in heaven.

So incredibly blessed, it is hard to believe.

Day 9: Lady of Hope

So I admit, I am a bit of a slacker on the weekends and for this I apologize. But I have a couple of pictures I think you are going to enjoy for days 9 and 10. As the title indicates, this is the blog for Day 9.

So I woke up Sunday morning to quite a surprise, let me tell you, I just love these little guys. They fly and they sit and they don't do much more. They're cute and they're spotted and in my heart, much love for them I store. Okay, I am done making up cheesy little rhymes but seriously. LADYBUGS ARE SO STINKING CUTE. For me, they not only represent summer but they also represent happiness and hope. In certain cultures they are signs of love and good fortune. I mean, just look at how peacefully that little bug is just sitting there and hanging out.

I know a lot of people would be grossed out by the presence of a bug in their bedroom but if you know me, a bug is the last thing that is gross to me (boys is the first... haha). So Sunday morning when I woke up feeling a little off beat, needing that little sign that said to me, things are gonna be alright, there it was. That little ladybug saying to me that I am not alone here.

Ah the peace that such a small thing can bring to one's heart.

Day 8: Maybe You Can Find It On A Tree

8 is my favorite number in the whole wide world!! Which is why I am so excited about this day. Imagine how excited I will be on day 88.

So today's post is a little bit of an outlet to get my frustrations out and a little bit to laugh at this situation. My roommate and I keep two bikes at our house. One of them belongs to her and the other one is our friend Pam's bike. Well, this is not the first time that this has happened, but about midafternoon Kelli received a text from Pam saying that, yes, someone had put the bikes into our tree. Now, this wouldn't bother me at all if it didn't happen a lot but I think it's one of those things that is funny once and just obnoxious after that.

Today was a day full of nothing that ended like this. Tomorrow will be upon me as I sleep and it will be full of new surprises (and trying to get a couple of bikes out of a tree after we buy bike chains).

Day 7: Scrunchie No-No

Oh what a treat for you! TWO blogs in one day!

Just kidding, I don't think it is really that big of a deal... But anyway, today's topic of discussion is children. In case any of you didn't know, I have probably the cutest little niece in the whole world called Kansas Josephine. She is precious, SEE?! Isn't she precious? Little cornfed...California...girl... Well, anyway, she's cute.

The point of this small sidebar is that I got to visit her and her mommies for a whole week this break and it was so wonderful! I met her best friends Brennon and Makena and they are also very cute. Anyway, Makena had this little doll thing called a Sing-a-ma-jig. This is a toy that sings alone or harmonizes when they are together. They are very creepy. Below are the above mentioned scrunchie mouthed toys.

If you can see what I mean, they are a little bit wrong in every way. Not only do they look creepy but they are also very creepy sounding. You may be wondering why I chose this picture as my picture for the day. Well, it is because every time I see this picture, what I will remember is the trip to Walmart that I took with Calvin and Josh that I will never forget. Today was a pretty great day and it ended with the scrunchie singers and Patty Balls the Cow. Not only was this trip to Walmart amazing today but my date with my roommate Kelli was wonderful and her dinner making abilities top the rest! Couldn't have been much better, especially because right now I am snuggling on the couch with one of my best friends, Brittany, and my life is such a happy place.

*Breathing out completely satisfied*

Day 6: From Fairy Tale to Nightmare

Once upon a time, a California girl moved to the small town of Bartlesville, Oklahoma. Why, might you ask? Well that is a WONDERFUL question. Sometimes I ask myself that same question. You see, I am that California girl.

Although I have met some really amazing people, I have been able to grow, and mold into my own person, and I wouldn't trade this experience for any other, I have often wondered why in the world Oklahoma is the place I had to do this growing up part of my life.

You see, it's not that I mind the distance from my family and friends because I know that they will mostly still love me when I return. It's not that Oklahoma is flat and boring. It's not even the fact that in my first week of school as a freshman, I was asked to call the police to tell them a black cow was walking down the freeway at night time. No, it's none of those things at all.

You see, in California, it RARELY gets below 45 degrees Fahrenheit, which is not very cold at all, in comparison. But in this "great state" of Oklahoma it gets down to the single and negative digits. Completely unacceptable. In fact, just yesterday it snowed 5 inches and guess what? School was not canceled. But, much like myself, my car is a California guy, and there was no way I was attempting to drive him out of the parking lot that is my house driveway so I ended up walking to school. Granted, walking to school means walking about 300 yards before I get on campus and another 500 or so to get to my actual classroom but in the single digit, snowy weather, it was not my favorite option.

I am sure you get my point now. My story doesn't end but this is where I am at. And the California girl melted happily ever after (all night) under her heated electric blanket while she talked to her best friend on the phone about life, love, and FRIENDS (the t.v. show, that is). Tomorrow would be a warmer day. She can't wait to see what lies ahead.

Day 5: Can't Find It On A Tree

Alright so I realize I have not posted everyday, that I missed yesterday, but this post is for yesterday and tomorrow I am planning on posting for today and tomorrow so hang tight. As you can see, this is a picture of money. This is a very sensitive topic for me right now. Of course part of being in college is gathering some debt. I understand this and I am not naive enough to think that I could come out of 4 years of a $25,000 a year education scott free. But if there is one thing in this life I hate more than toothpaste on the mirror or the sound of nails on a chalkboard (ugh, shudder...) it is being in debt.

I not only have had to take out loans every year but I also have an outstanding balance of a significant amount. I want it gone. So I had to make a really tough decision. Do I stay, and continue to accrue a debt, or do I leave and work to pay off that debt and return with a clean slate?

Yesterday, a decision was almost pretty much made for me. I don't know how I feel about it completely but there is a rhyme and reason for everything and there is a reason for me to be here now. I wonder what is to come.

Day 4: Life's Tough. Get a Helmet.

So I decided today to also make Facebook photo album of just the pictures so if you would rather, that will be there.

Today's blog is about perseverance. I am having to make a really tough decision about school right now and I find myself wanting to give up, just quit, and allow my fears and failures to take over and control my actions. But someone, whom I consider to be quite wise, said something to me that made me stop and really think. I should provide you with some background, however.

The conversation was about whether or not I am staying at school this semester. It was implied that maybe all of my stress was not due to school, but other things as well. So this person suggested that maybe I seek the counsel of someone who is trained, educated, experienced in that field.

Of course, being the incredibly close-minded person I can be when the talk of therapy or counseling comes up I flat out said that it wouldn't help me feel better, and this is where the conversation turned to surprise me in a way that I wasn't really surprised that something that was said surprised me. Still with me?

This is what was said to me:

" Guess what? Feeling better isn't my intended outcome toward you. Trying to keep you from sabotaging yourself is my goal. It's a mean thing to say but I don't really care if you feel better. I don't feel better a lot of days. But I do care that you live up to your calling. That's HUGE to me."

This got me to thinking. Am I really considering leaving this semester in order to live up to my calling? Or am I using it as a way to hide behind the fact that what I feel my calling is kind of freaks me out? Is it a means to perseverance and success? Or is it a means to an end? You could argue either way, really, but at the end of the day, when the numbers have been crunched (or whatever...) did I really persevere through the rough spots, or did I run the other way and find an excuse to make it okay?

Today's picture is of a puzzle.
My roommate, Kelli, and I have worked hard on this puzzle for 4 days, which may not seem like a lot, but trust me, it was a LONG 4 days. With the help a select few, we persevered through this puzzle to obtain the outcome which, might I add, was totally worth it.

So, in this situation of my life, I allowed others to help me, and together we persevered through the obstacle. I know it seems stupid to compare my life to a puzzle, but there is a reason they call it a puzzle. It is confusing, difficult, a challenge one must overcome to feel that overwhelming sense of relief that comes with winning, coming out on top, being the best.

Maybe the trick is to ask that select few who can help you persevere through life. Who knows? I don't think anyone has figured it out quite yet. Why should I have to?

Day 3: Speechless.

This is it today. Just the picture.

Day 2: Winter is a Wonder

So here we are. Day 2 officially posted, and time for bed! This picture was taken today to represent the Winter Escape. As all of you know, I am a junior at a small school in Nowhere, Oklahoma. But today I went with all the freshmen and the other upper classmen who, like myself, are student leaders for these freshmen.

So, you might be thinking, what does this Winter Escape entail? Let me tell you just that. It starts out with dinner...at Cheesecake Factory. Then, an interim period of wasting time at the mall. This is followed by a movie and we conclude the night with, yes you guessed it, ice skating. Oh... Did I mention that this is all free?

When we had finished dinner, done our shopping, seen the movie (Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Tredder), we headed to the ice rink, unloaded from the busses, and entered the skating rink with one thing on our minds. BROOMBALL. BUT WAIT! What did we find? An adult rec league hockey game going on. So, like the patient, kind hearted human beings we are, we sat down, picked a team, and cheered like crazy for them. We, of course, chose the underdog, the team who didn't seem to have a chance. But guess what? THEY WON. This team that, with 14 minutes left, was one goal (is that what it's called in hockey?) behind, came back and won 3-2. It was inspirational.

It got me thinking. If this team was behind, and I don't know how long they'd been behind, but they kept fighting, why is it so hard for me? How come when things get rough for me, rather than continuing to fight, I run away? I take the easy way out. So, as I sat there, watching this team rejoice over their much deserved win, I thought, what can I do to continue to fight? Their perseverance and persistence made me want their autograph. :)

I don't deal with change well and there may be some big changes headed my way this week. But I will look at them with an attitude of how can I fight harder to come out on top. An attitude of how can I come back from the bottom and be recklessly successful. And for those of you who have seen Catch Me If You Can, I want to look at the changes in my life with an attitude of the little mouse who fought so hard, he churned the milk to butter and walked out. Bring it, change. You ain't got nothin' on me.

Day 1: Doing It My Way

So here is Day 1. I decided to change the method of this project because technically, it is just supposed to be pictures. BUT. I will do what I feel like doing, so I am going to write a little bit with each picture every day.

Today, Kelli's best friend, Jordan, came from South Carolina to visit. She arrived around lunch time and we immediately proceeded to do a puzzle (because who DOESN'T want to do a puzzle first thing off a plane?). Then, after some lunch (and homework for me :/ not so fun) Jordan decided to make a cake for Kelli's birthday...last month... on the 6th... So off they went to buy the things she would need. Little did I know this would lead to having to look at the most AMAZING cake I had ever seen without actually being able to eat a bite.

Why, might you ask? Kelli worked from 4-9. That was the LONGEST 5 hours of my life. So here we are, sitting in our living room, at 10:24pm, cake STILL untouched. Hmm... I am starting to think that writing this blog PRE cake eating was not the best choice I have ever made.

Let me explain to you about this cake a little. It is chocolate, and coffee. How does a cake get any better than the two best edible things in the world?! It doesn't. So now, as I have looked back on the first 24 hours of Day 1 of Project 365, I look forward, excited to see what this year will bring. Whatever it may hold, I wonder if it can stand up to the incredible chocolate coffee cake that it started with.

Pre Day: Where It All Began

Alright, so here is what I have decided to do with my life. I am going to do Project 365. For those of you who don't know what that is, I'll explain it to you now.

Project 365 is a photography project where you document a year of your life by taking a daily photo. Sounds easy right? Well, we'll see just how easy this is after the first few days!

The objective is to try and take one picture that summarizes your whole day so that as you look back, you remember. What you felt, what you ate, how you looked, something significant. It is completely up to the participant on how to express their day.

Now, I have never and will never claim to be a great photographer. I won't even claim to be a good one. But I do think that this will be a great way to be creative this year and maybe learn a thing or two about myself.

I am looking forward to you being able to join me in what this year might hold for me and I hope you are looking forward to my terrible photography skills...or lack there of perhaps.

Looking forward to sharing a year with you.